I don’t know what happened. I woke up one morning in November and just felt so broken. On the outside, everything was fine, but on the inside I had crumbled into tiny pieces and I couldn’t hold them together any longer. It was bad. I went through an 8-wk period of really deep, really dark depression. I felt like I was stuck in a cave, but I didn’t have the energy or motivation to find my way out. It was terrible.
I couldn’t be a mother. I couldn’t be a wife. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t shower. I couldn’t be me. I just couldn’t.
In early December, I called around frantically for an appointment to get some anti-depressants. I hate medication. This was a big step for me. It was the first step. Shortly after I got my prescription, we went to Texas for Christmas. It was a time for me to escape and not have access to my cave. With holiday commitments to family and friends, I didn’t have a choice. I had to engage. I quit taking the anti-depressants a week in because they made me so tired and I rode the coattails of this “forced momentum.” I could not see the light at the end of tunnel at Christmas. When everyone wanted to eat out and I wanted to cry, I just went. When the kids wanted to go to the park and I wanted to hide, I just went. When my MIL asked me to test some make-up that she was selling and I just wanted scream, I just went along with it.
Timing really is everything. I tried that make-up. It was the first time I felt pretty in a long time. I even took photos of myself. That make-up changed my life. Life-changing lipstick…who knew?! I got home and felt inspired. I felt like I was ready to fight for myself. I was ready to do whatever it took to get me out of that cave and start living again. I had a purpose. I wanted people to feel as good as I felt when I put that make-up on. It gave me confidence to change.
Here I am. 6 months later. I’m running again. I’m writing again. This website…it’s 8 years in the making; something I always wanted to do and never had the courage to tackle. This is what victory looks like. It’s not glamorous. There are no crowds cheering me on. I don’t have an award to show for it, but I feel like a million bucks. I’m a mother again and a wife again and I’m MYSELF again.