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I don’t even know what to call this blog…

Chaos?  Exhaustion?  Confusion?  Frustration? I’m Sorry? All would be appropriate.

The medical issues are continuing.  I found out today that I have a staph infection.  This is actually good news compared to the clotting issue that they thought I had.  Who ever thought staph would be good news?  We’re hoping a new, strong round of antibiotics will stop the bleeding. 

Unfortunately, this means I’ll have to stop breastfeeding.  This was really difficult news for me because I feel like it’s the only thing that I was doing well.  For such a big chunk (10 days) of my maternity leave, I was in the hospital and/or too weak to really care for Jayne.  Even though I couldn’t really hold her and do all the things you should do with your baby, I could still breastfeed and/or pump at the very least and that was such a great feeling.

The last time I breastfed her was yesterday morning and I had the thought, “If this was the last time I fed her, could I say that I stopped to enjoy it?”  My answer to myself was, “Yes,” but it doesn’t make this much easier for me.  I am thankful that I have a freezer drawer full of breast milk.  That might last a couple more weeks.  It’s not what I had in mind, but neither is any of this motherhood stuff.

Another reason that it’s so difficult for me is that so many women have a tough time doing it.  The baby won’t latch, supply is low, etc.  Jayne was a champ, my supply is great, I enjoyed it and I’m having to quit.  It’s just so frustrating.  So I guess, 30 years from now, when Jayne has my grandbabies, I’d want her to know how hard I tried.  It probably won’t mean much to her in the long run, but it means the world to me now.

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