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A great song (especially Janis Joplin’s version).

My period is now 3 days late, but I’ve taken as many pregnancy tests and they all say “not pregnant.”  Here’s the deal, in order to take a pregnancy test, your hopes are up.  You wouldn’t take it if you didn’t think there was a chance so, every time I see “not pregnant” in that little window, it takes away a piece of my soul.

One of my favorite sermons was about filling prayer bowls until they overflow, I can only believe that those pieces of my soul are filling a prayer bowl and once there is enough He will bless us.  I’ll be honest, I’m not taking this well.  I’ve been really stressed, acting out, not sleeping well.  Basically, I’m like a small child…that drinks too much.  I mean, it’s not consistent drinking, but I had two very boozy weekends in the past 2 weeks and that’s really unlike me.

I also came to the realization in church on Sunday that I’m putting this on myself.  This is not a burden I have to carry.  I feel like I’m failing, like I’m broken and that’s a tough topic for me.  I’ll never forget the first time I “failed.”  It was when I got fired from my ABC40 job.  The signs were all there.  I knew it wasn’t for me.  I didn’t have the courage to change my path because I didn’t know Jesus.  I didn’t know that He would give me the courage and the means and the wisdom to do what was right.  The second time was my second marriage.  Same thing.  Now, I feel like I’m failing at this, but the difference is I have a relationship with Jesus and, although it’s not always easy to let go and give it to Him, it wasn’t an option before and now, it is.

I am struggling with how to let go, but I know that it’s a step in the right direction that I’ve even identified what I need to do.  I am praying fervently.

Come on, little.  Exist.  Please.  Amen.

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